Finc 3330:
corporate journal assignment
Some suggestions on drafts from
your St. Edward's University Writing Center
the writing Center
- Face-to-face coaching on any writing task
- Make appointments online
- Munday Library, second floor
"" THey"" and ""THEIR"" in context of entities
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Not wrong, but a casualism (an orange flag, not a red flag)
- Make judgment for audience, purpose, context, and genre.
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Example: XYZ’s core values are comprised of self-assumed responsibility for their six main principles that they dedicate their everyday performance to: .... This commitment is supported directly by their corporate mission statement, which reads, “.....”
- Possible Revision: XYZ expresses its core values in six principles to which it dedicates its everyday performance:...The company's mission statement expresses those principles: "...."
now you try...
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Their strong corporate citizenship standards strengthen their relationship with consumers and stakeholders across the globe, all while reinforcing the appeal of their entertainment offerings and products, and sustaining their reputation as an employer of choice.
Wordiness, passive voice, Lack of clarity, lack of unity
- These problems often appear together.
- Wordiness--just as it sounds. Does each word pay its own way? Does the sentence have "freeloaders" hanging around? Kick them out.
- Passive Voice--passive voice is not wrong, but it hides the question of who does what to whom. Ask, "What's the star of this sentence--the doer or the action done? Should I put the star up front?"
- Lack of Clarity--clarity has been called "the gateway standard"; if readers struggle to figure out what's being said or if what's being said is ambiguous, they'll hold it against the writer.
- Lack of Unity--readers expect paragraphs to cohere around a central idea, usually of a claim + support + so-what model
some strategies
- Read writing aloud (and use the Writing Center)
- Ask "what is the core concept of this sentence?" "Who is doing what to whom?"
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Should I combine sentences? Split them?
- "What is the core idea of this paragraph?"
example
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XYZ strives to keep its operations simple in order to keep the amount of problems that could arise through multiple processes from occurring. (23 words)
- Possible revision: To avoid problems that conflicting processes could cause, XYZ strives to simply its operations. (13 words)
example
- Great emphasis has been placed on improving efficiency through the use of the ABC system designed with algorithms to find the fastest route for...drivers. Who's the star of the sentence? What is the core concept?
- Possible revision: XYZ has focused on improving efficiency by implementing the ABC system. The ABC system uses algorithms to find drivers the fastest routes.
- Possible revision: XYZ has focused on improving efficiency in its operations. For example, it has implemented the ABC system, a system uses algorithms to find drivers the fastest routes. (Probably closer to student's intent)
now you try...
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As far as the agency is concerned, at the moment, XYZ does not have any huge problems. There are several problems that will take a relative amount of simple adjustment to alleviate. As a corporation, XYZ is always being watched to ensure it is behaving in an ethical manor. An agency problem that has been highlighted since the beginning of the chain’s....dominance is its power to eliminate competitors. XYZ is considered a powerhouse and many opponents of XYZ continually bash the corporation for running small, privately owned ...shops out of business. As a massive, global corporation, XYZ uses and disposes countless amounts of waste. XYZ works all over the globe, therefore it has to maintain proper processes and guidance that follow the regional laws in which the company is working in.
Other ""nuts and bolts"" problems to watch for
- Apostrophe use (e.g., in making plurals; its vs. it's)
- Sentence fragments, e.g.,
- Since XYZ works all around the world, they express ethical practice (C.A.F.E. practices) towards their overseas and homeland suppliers. Making sure that their corporate growth does not severely damage our world.
- Again, read your writing aloud (and come to the Writing Center)
- Phrasal adjectives (in-house, middle-class, etc.)
patchwriting
- Patchwriting is paraphrasing too closely, mixing up sources' ideas, words, and structures with your own and making the result appear as if it were your own writing.
- This is the most common form of mishandling source material. It is almost always the result of ignorance, not dishonesty.
- However, it is still a mishandling of source material.
- Student Draft: XYZ is promoting its own in house brands at the expense of smaller local independent businesses.
- Wikipedia page on XYZ: ....policy of promoting its own in house brands at the expense of smaller and/or local independent ones.
- Be sure to understand what the assignment requires in using source material (quotation marks or block quotes for borrowed words? in-text-citations? Works Cited/reference page?
rationale for judgments
- XYZ appears to have adopted the triple bottom line. Inferred from research, it allocates 30% to..., 40% to..., and 30% to....
- Can you state a rationale when you make a judgment call?
- Reader's Question: How do you know that?
- Reflexes to develop: Generalization--->Specific Example; Judgment Call---->Rationale
