Attention
&
Listening
What we'll cover
- Attention
- Listening
- Support vs. Shift
Attention
what's your experience?
- How does it feel to be paid attention to?
- How can you tell if someone is paying attention?
- How does it feel when you are not paid attention to?
- How can you tell when someone is not paying attention?
- How could you tell if you are not paying attention?
"Attention is the rarest and purest form of caring and respect."
Attention
- somebody, somewhere
Paying attention sends the message we care
Not paying attention sends the message we don't
What message do we want to send?
What if we can't pay attention?
Listening
Listening is a skill that takes constant effort and constant practice.
Do you think you're a good listener?
How do you know?
being capable ≠ being good
Obstacles
Solutions
1. Speech-thought differential
2. Distractions
3. Thinking of what to say
1. Double down & be a detective
2. Commit ourselves and our space
3. Trust the process, let go of thought
Silence is okay.
Saying you don't know is okay.
Asking for time is okay.
"First seek to understand, then to be understood." -Stephen Covey
Support vs Shift Response
Where is the spotlight?
Not inherently bad or good
Self-referential shifts are the most common
What's the right amount?
"Nature has given us two ears, and only one tongue, so that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak."
- Epictetus
More support is usually better.
1. Suggesting we know how it feels
Shifting the spotlight
2. Identifying the cause
3. Telling them how to prevent or solve their problem
4. Minimizing
5. Offering a different perspective or silver lining
6. Admiring strength or bravery
Successful shifts start by listening, and following their lead.
7. We can't imagine, or we don't know
Typically more helpful support
Open and honest questions don't have a hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, or correcting.
Open and honest questions make us do more listening.
1. Just listen
2. Reflect their feeling
3. Check for understanding
4. Open, honest questions
That is frustrating.
Are you saying that X?
It sounds like you're feeling X.
Can you tell me more?
What was that like for you?
Typically less helpful support
1. Recommendations in disguise
2. Judgements in disguise (or not)
"Have you tried doing X?"
"Why did you do that?"
criticizing or "shoulding" on others
3. Making assumptions
4. Interrogation
"What lead you to choose X?"
What we covered
- Attention
- Listening
- Shift vs Support
One small final thing...
How can we use this?
Our team meeting is a sacred place because we are willing to pay attention and listen to each other.
- Choose our message
- Support more, shift less
- Commit ourselves and our space
- Good listening takes good effort
Complete.
