Spring 2014
Finc 3330:
corporate journal
assignment
Some suggestions on drafts from
your St. Edward's University Writing Center
the writing Center
- Face-to-face coaching on any writing task at any stage
- Make appointments online (trac.stedwards.edu)
- Munday Library, second floor
- Bring assignment and draft
Resources Page on Website
"" THey"" and ""THEIR"" in
context of entities
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Not wrong, but a casualism (an orange flag, not a red flag)
- Make judgment for audience, purpose, context, and genre. In this case, I'd advise using it/its not they/their.
- Example: XYZ holds themselves to the highest standards of corporate governance and business ethics. Their Code of Conduct serves as a map that guides the actions of their employees, directors, and business partners...
- Possible Revision: XYZ holds itself to the highest standards of corporate governance and business ethics. Its Code of Conduct guides the actions of its employees, directors, and business partners...
Wordiness,
Lack of clarity, lack of unity
- These problems often appear together.
- Wordiness--just as it sounds. Does each word pay its own way? Does the sentence have "freeloaders" hanging around? Kick them out.
- Lack of Clarity--clarity has been called "the gateway standard"; if readers struggle to figure out what's being said or if what's being said is ambiguous, they'll hold it against the writer.
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Lack of Unity--readers expect paragraphs to cohere around a central idea, usually of a claim + support + so-what model. Be sure to put key concepts first to "frame" the paragraph. The paragraph is a technology for structuring the expression of ideas.
some strategies
- Read writing aloud (and use the Writing Center)
- Ask "what is the core concept of this sentence?" "Who is doing what to whom?"
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Should I combine sentences? Split them?
- "What is the core idea of this paragraph?"
- "What concept should go at the beginning of the paragraph to 'frame' it?"
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Example: Identifying stakeholders for such a diversified company as XYX can be difficult. XYZ conducts business with an ample and diverse group of people. Aviation, appliances, finance, energy management, healthcare, lighting, mining, oil and gas, power and water, power conversion, software, and transportation are XYZ’s different business divisions. Each of XYZ’s business divisions deals with different stakeholders and at times they may over lap. A stakeholder in a company is anyone who has an interest in XYZ and its decisions. In the case of a corporation as big as XYZ there are millions of stakeholders. However, key stakeholders are government, customers, and environmental protection organizations that deal with each of XYZ's divisions. [113 words]
possible revision
Broadly defined, stakeholders are anyone with an interest in a company and its operations. XYZ is a diverse multinational company with divisions in aviation, appliances, finance, energy management, healthcare, lighting, mining, oil and gas, power and water, power conversion, software, and transportation. XYZ’s size and diverse operations create many groups of stakeholders, including groups whose interests overlap. As a result, it is difficult to pinpoint all of its stakeholders. However, it is possible to identify core stakeholders affected by all of XYZ’s divisions. These core stakeholders are customers, environmental protection groups, and government. [95 words]
rationale for judgments
- XYZ appears to have adopted the triple bottom line. Inferred from research, it allocates 30% to..., 40% to..., and 30% to....
- Can you state a rationale when you make a judgment call?
- Reader's Question: How do you know that?
- Reflexes to develop: Generalization--->Specific Example; Judgment Call---->Rationale
handling sources
- It's OK, and even required in many cases, to borrow other people's words and ideas. Just give them credit and keep the boundaries between their contributions and your contributions clear at all times.
- Patchwriting is paraphrasing too closely, mixing up sources' ideas, words, and structures with your own and making the result appear as if it were your own writing. This is the most common form of mishandling source material. It is almost always the result of ignorance, not dishonesty. However, it is still a mishandling of source material.
- Not including quotation marks (or block quote indentation for longer quoted passages) for exact wording is serious error.
patchwriting
Example: XYZ's Code of Conduct serves as a map that guides the actions of its employees, directors, and business partners, ensuring consistent and uncompromising integrity as we build trusted relationships around the world. XYZ also encourages anyone (including employees, contractors, suppliers, distributors, and customers) to report in good faith any issues or concerns about potential ethical, legal, or regulatory violations, including improper or unethical business practices committed by XYZ or others.
original patchwritten
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Student Draft: We are leading the transformation of the tobacco industry. At each operating company of XYZ, we are in a position to help resolve many of the controversial issues related to the use of tobacco. Committing ourselves to resolving these issues is the right thing to do and will ultimately advance our commercial objectives. Transforming tobacco is a bold vision that we believe in, and our journey is well under way. We are moving our businesses forward with a full appreciation of stakeholder expectations. Our goal is to ultimately achieve market leadership by effectively executing this transformation strategy. We will lead change in our industry by driving innovation throughout XYZ's businesses, redefining enjoyment for adult tobacco consumers, reducing the harm caused by smoking, and accelerating the decline in youth tobacco use. We are committed to meeting society's expectations for how a tobacco company should operate, while growing our businesses — now and over the long term.
Draft text and website text are identical, but draft lacks quotation marks to signpost borrowing of exact words.
""nuts and bolts"" problems to watch for
- Apostrophe use (e.g., in making plurals; its vs. it's)
- Sentence fragments, e.g.,
- "So the agents might have their own best interests in mind before the company's. Therefore causing agency problems."
- Proofreading errors ("...keep growing XYZ’s Capital division or face the possibility of loosing its triple A badge." "Our team was assigned to do research on XYZ in out Finance class.") Again, read your writing aloud (and come to the Writing Center). Use spellcheck, but don't outsource your brain to it.
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Phrasal adjectives (in-house, middle-class, etc.). Avoid ambiguity (small business group v. small-business group)
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Spring 2014 St. Edward's University Writing Center (FINC 3330 Advice)
By Drew Loewe
