Should I stay

or

should I go?

Whoami

MSc, Computer and Systems Eng @ Tallinn Technical University

BSc, Applied Mathematics @ Yildiz Technical University

(was on) Board of Directors @ PostgreSQL Europe

Organizer @ Prague PostgreSQL Meetup

Founding member @ Kadın Yazılımcı

Working with databases for 10+ years

(lives in) Prague

(from) Turkey

(is) New Mom 

Warning!

Before baby

Sleep as much as you can!

Broken plans

Pregnancy

I got laid off during my first pregnancy and decided to be a stay at home mom for almost 3 years. I didn’t really need a support structure (regarding support structures at work places).

Giving a break

Suffering ego

You are not even a good mother!

Cry of intelligence

I miss talking with adult humans!

Parenting

..On an average day, a fifth of men did housework, compared with nearly half of women. In households with children under the age of six, men spent less than half as much time as women taking physical care of these children. At work, on the other hand, men spent fifty-two minutes a day longer on the job than women did.

Division of Labour

..Division of labor in the home is one of the most important equity issues of our time. Yet at this rate it will be another 75 years before men do half the work.

..By passively refusing to take an equal role, men are reinforcing "a separation of spheres that underpins masculine ideals and perpetuates a gender order privileging men over women."

Translation: One must have a psychological problem to expect a woman who works full time with a salary to also take the whole responsibility of house chores. Even saying "I am helping my wife" is a problematic sentence. It means the woman is the main job bearer (and you volunteer to help her from time to time). 

Helping my wife?!

Translation: We have been living abroad with my husband for the same amount of time. They are asking him about life, working environment, economy and to me the daycare of our son. This is all I can say. (She is a researcher)

Once a mom..

Should I stay or should I go now?

Should I stay or should I go now?

If I go, there will be trouble

And if I stay it will be double

So come on and let me know

Raised by working mom

According to research out of Harvard Business School, there are significant benefits for children growing up with mothers who work outside the home. The study found daughters of working mothers went to school longer, were more likely to have a job in a supervisory role, and earned more money — 23% more compared to their peers who were raised by stay-at-home mothers. The sons of working mothers also tended to pitch in more on household chores and childcare, the study found — they spent seven-and-a-half more hours a week on childcare and 25 more minutes on housework.

Raised by working mom

..My children are older now and at this age, they enjoy having a working mom and learning about all the fun stuff I do at work.  My children love seeing me accomplish goals. I love that they love that because it pushes them to set goals, have ideas, create plans and even attempt to execute those plans.

Interviewing

Hiring a mom

Forever part-time?

Eternity leave?

Moms returning work

Less challenge?

I have switched jobs from startup to a big company. I loved my job at the startup but the work pressure and responsibilities were more. So I chose to join a bigger company, I think it’s better than completely leaving the workforce. I know this is just temporary.

It is not a coincidence that so many moms run their own business.

Unrealistic expectations 

All this comes at a cost to women’s well-being, as mothers forgo leisure time, professional ambitions and sleep. Wives who view their household responsibilities “as unjust are more likely to suffer from depression than those who do not,” one study says. When their children are young, employed women (but not men) take a hit to their health as well as to their earnings — and the latter never recovers. Child-care imbalances also tank relationship happiness, especially in the early years of parenthood.

Mental health

Community cares

Pile of judgement

Mommy brain

Here I am, and in this city, with a fistful of dollars
And baby, you'd better believe

I'm back, back in the New York groove
I'm back, back in the New York groove
I'm back, back in the New York groove
Back in the New York groove, in the New York groove!

What can be done?

• Don't be a jerk to your colleagues with kids, don't be a jerk to anyone. 
• Keep activities and social events at working hours so parents won't miss those out
• Provide a safe and clean space for milk making mums (no not a toilet, a room with a comfy chair and a fridge will do.)
• Flexible working hours 
• Remote working options
• Longer maternity leaves
• Equal paternity leave
• Childcare options 
• Support your employees!
• Babysitting and child entertainment at tech events

Real deal

I wish my coworkers understood that having kids will be inconvenient sometimes, but that I don’t actually get any more leave than they do, nor do I get much more leeway. I do wish, however, that managers didn’t openly use the excuse of “Well, X has kids so you have to do Y,” because that is NOT helping me out.

What can you do?

• Learn to delegate (don't try to do everything yourself)
• Your job can wait when you have a sick child (set your priorities straight)
• Cross train people to handle your work and vice versa.  Be each other’s plan B for sick days so that you aren’t behind.  Peer to peer collaboration and support is key to handling these situations.
• Schedule all personal & work related events around your children

You can have it all, you just have to define what your “all” is.

 

Cathy Engelbert, CEO of Deloitte

You can still be you

Thanks!

References

• https://patricia.no/2018/09/06/survival_tips_for_women_in_tech.html
• https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/2019/11/13/20959863/women-happy-chores-gender-gap
• https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/04/opinion/sunday/men-parenting.html
• https://www.inc.com/laura-garnett/women-in-tech-what-s-the-status.html
• https://www.pimothers.com/
• https://motherboardpodcast.com/
• https://github.com/sublimemarch/so-you-just-learned
• Inferior, Angela Saini