Resolve what you can

Your ability to assist someone else who is in emotional distress mostly depends on how well you understand your own emotional challenges and can manage your own reactivity.

Work on yourself

Becoming aware of our own reactivity, managing it, understanding where it comes from, what it means, and what to do about it — these are all aspects of self-awareness, which is a lifelong odyssey for everyone.

Develop awareness of feelings

• Feelings are automatic
• Evolutionary development for safety
• Emotions/feelings are sensations
• Can be controlled only to some degree
• Exist whether we acknowledge them or not

Feelings are not thoughts

• Feelings are sometimes irrational
• Rationality cannot control feelings
• Everyone has multiple feelings at the same time
• Feelings control human behavior

Feelings are complex

• Family, peers, gender, ability, culture, etc.
• Everyone is different (meet people where they are)
• Models of psychology are always limited

Feelings arise from the layers

• Resonance is the context (learned behaviors)
• Trauma is the crucible (locked responses)
• Mental illness is the adaptation (coping)
• Addiction is the fuel (symptom management)

Avoid barriers of the listener

• Lack of awareness
• Denial
• Rejection
• Reactivity
• Discomfort with messiness

Don’t control the process

• Distraction
• Advice
• Solutions
• Convincing (making an argument)

Be aware of biases (hard!)

• Childhood
• Family
• Culture
• Judgements

Practice presence and authenticity

Most people become emotionally distressed when there is a contrast between what someone says and what they do. In situations where emotions might already be amplified, consistency between words, body language, and actions is crucial.

Presence is an active skill.

Seek neutrality

• People are generally very skilled at sensing others who listen well and who are genuinely respectful and non-judgmental
• These are deep skills that require ongoing practice, especially when others do not share our values or perspectives
• The best listeners are able to suspend their own biases and judgments. This requires awareness of those biases and judgments, which is consistently difficult for everyone

Practice grounding

• Practices that cultivate body awareness are good for us in a variety of ways but especially in situations of heightened emotion with others
• Simply bringing attention to our various sensations is an excellent way of becoming more emotionally aware — since emotions bring sensations — though this is only helpful if the emotional awareness is comfortable and familiar

Be open and available

• Body language is the main way that we indicate our openness to others
• We are acutely sensitive to the small signals that others send to us about their availability for conversation or assistance
• When we practice presence, grounding, authenticity, and non-judgement, we tend to signal that we are open, approachable, positive, and safe

Breathe with awareness

• One of the simplest and most powerful body awareness practices involves becoming aware of breathing: the rise and fall of the breath
• Bringing attention to breathing often slows it down, which tends to promote relaxation, grounding, and presence

Attentive breathing can also be unsafe

Bringing attention to breathing can activate strong emotions in people who are struggling with unresolved emotional challenges. This happens because bringing attention to breathing also brings awareness of the body, and the body is where our unresolved emotions reside.

Know when to get help

• Emotional situations can sometimes become unmanageable by one person — but it can be tough to notice the point at which taking action would prevent this from happening
• Often that moment is earlier than we expect and requires assistance from others
• Learning to watch for this moment is a matter of practice (and, usually, learning by trial and error)
• Generally it’s best to get help before you think you need it — before you become emotionally activated by interacting with someone who is themselves activated

Key considerations

• Genuineness and authenticity
• Respect
• Mutual connection
• Emotional and physical safety

Small groups: 25-35 minutes

• Observer, listener, sharer: 5 minutes each (observer keeps time)
• Memory or moment: small but interesting, with feelings

Rules

• No questions from the listener
• No advice from the listener
• No interruptions from the listener or observer
• The observer remains silent
• The observer stops the conversation at 5 minutes
• The sharer must allow time for the listener to respond (ideally, about once per minute)

The sharer speaks

5 minutes

Try to sense feelings in the body, as sensations.

Remember to give time for the listener to respond.

Pause, sense the feelings, take a breath, then…

• I feel…
• It’s like…
• I have the sense that…

The listener responds

Pause, sense the feelings, take a breath, then:

• It sounds like…
• It seems like…
• I notice…
• I get the sense that…
• I’m curious…
• If I understand you correctly, you are feeling…
• So, it’s like you feel… (use a metaphor)

Tips for the listener

• Try to feel the feelings of the other person in your own body
• Don’t worry about getting the feeling wrong
• Don’t worry about sounding formulaic
• Repeat the feeling words you hear from the sharer or use other feeling words
• Keep your responses short: no more than two sentences
• Aim for three to five responses (in five minutes)

Discussion

5 minutes

No suggestions, no advice.

Positive feedback only: what went well.

• How did the sharer feel?
• How did the listener feel?
• What did the observer notice?

Switch roles and go again

5 minutes

• Sharer become observer (timekeeper)
• Listener becomes sharer
• Observer becomes listener

Empathy is a skill

• Being seen and heard, without judgment
• Reciprocity: feel and reflect
• Noticing (not changing) feelings
• Belonging, trust, safety

The clear channel

• Mutual connection
• Getting yourself out of the way
• Safe containment for locked responses
• Empathy is active

Listening and advocacy

There is a potential harm incurred (to you, and to others) if you never speak up to advocate.

However, in situations of emotional distress, a listener who immediately pivots to advocacy can cause harm by removing or minimizing emotional processing (which is foundational to healing).

In most situations, it’s best to lead with empathy. Solutions and strategies come later.

Barriers to empathy

• Distraction and/or rushing
• Activation of the listener
• Judgements (must be set aside)
• Non-neutrality (advocacy)
• Advice and solutions from the listener
• Questions from the listener

Practice and remember

• Set your own issues aside
• Suspend your judgements
• Stay neutral
• Your own activation determines the outcome

Non-verbal communication

• Grounding (presence)
• Centering (non-judgement)
• Openness (safety)
• Boundaries (ethical dimensions)

Know when to engage

• Strong emotion is normal and often healthy
• Strong emotion can be a signal of distress and trauma
• A person who can express strong emotions but also bring themselves back to emotional safety and calm is typically safe and does not need help
• A person who is unable to contain or manage emotional activation needs immediate help
• Knowing the difference between these two scenarios requires much practice and self-awareness

Engaging in conversation

Authentic and empathetic conversation works best when we are able to be ourselves, use our own forms of language and speech, and feel comfortable with what we are saying.

This does not mean that you should say anything you want. Rather, it means that whatever words you know, whatever styles of speech you use, have within them the possibility to be used in helpful and empathetic ways.

Scaffolding

• Prompts provide conversational structure
• Prompts have no definitive forms or styles and can be as varied as any types of speech
• The function of a prompt is to open a space to focus on feelings

Self-awareness and conversation

• When we begin by noticing ourselves and our own emotional activation, we also become more capable of noticing the emotions of others
• We should not try to label or assess the emotions of others; instead, we can simply acknowledge that others are having emotional reactions

I notice…

• Saying something like I notice you are having a reaction is a simple and reasonable starting point for a conversation about emotions
• Remember to use your own words
• If others use their own words to define those emotions — I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m bewildered — affirm those feelings

Just checking in…

• A simple and non-intrusive way of signaling that help is available
• An open, friendly, non-judgmental statement that is very popular among counsellors and others who provide emotional help as the core of their professional work

Flow

• Combining I’m just checking in with I notice you are having a reaction is a good template for engaging with a person who is emotionally activated
• It is not only — or even primarily — the words themselves that might be effective here, but rather the way in which they are delivered, and the timing of their delivery

Do you need help?

• The focus of help should be on the person who might (or might not) need some emotionally-focused assistance or empathy
• Try not to emphasize your own feelings or reactions
• The other person might ask about your feelings or reactions, but they are not relevant until that happens — and even then, they should not form the basis of the conversation
• Keeping the focus on the other person is a deep skill that requires much practice

Possibilities of wording

• Just checking in…
• I notice…
• It looks like…
• It sounds like…
• It seems like…
• I’m curious…
• Thought I would check in…

Affirming feelings

• Try to affirm and name the feelings of the other person
• Listen for the words they use to describe their feelings
• Use the same feeling words in your reply, or use similar words that convey the same feeling
• Try not to impose your own feelings or perspectives

Skill development

• The larger set of counselling skills is embedded in this one skill of responding to feelings without trying to direct them
• If a person says I am angry, one possible response is to simply say Yes, I can see that you are angry
• It is not so much the words themselves but their delivery, and the body language, and the timing, that all matter a great deal
• Much practice is required

What not to say

Practice

Section 2

• No questions
• No advice
• No interruptions

Self-awareness challenges

• We get activated by something in the layers of our personal history
• Activation is often unconscious and involves dynamics between the layers
• When activated, we are driven by unconscious and defensive behaviors (this is where we get into trouble)

Awareness of activation

• Making our own activation conscious is the path to awareness and healing
• One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious — Jung
• This is the path that we find in myth and storytelling

Observe Yourself

• Your ability to be continually aware of your own emotional activation is the most important factor in determining the outcomes of emotional conversations with others
• The skill of turning your attention inward — how am I feeling, what am I thinking, what’s happening for me — requires much practice and consistent attention

Watch for your activation

• We all get activated emotionally, by many different things, and sometimes in unexpected ways
• We tend to feel that our activation happens because of what others do
• The reality is that our activation happens entirely inside of us — and is our responsibility to notice and address

Get yourself out of the way

• The most effective listeners and helpers take responsibility for their own emotions and try to keep them out of the way (or bring them forward appropriately) in conversations with others
• With practice, you can suspend your own activation and judgement and deal with it at a later time

Risks of harm

• When we become emotionally activated beyond our ability to manage or contain, we run the risk of harming others — even when we are trying to help them
• We also harm ourselves when we do not deal with strong emotions in our lives
• Finding pathways to address and resolve the challenges of our emotional life is one of the most important things we can do

Ask yourself:

• What do I carry?
• What do I embody?
• What do I follow?
• What do I need?

Work on it.

And keep working on it.

Practice

Section 2

• No questions
• No advice
• No interruptions

Be open and available

• Body language is the main way that we indicate our openness to others
• We are acutely sensitive to the small signals that others send to us about their availability for conversation or assistance
• When we practice presence, grounding, authenticity, neutrality, we tend to signal that we are open, approachable, and positive

Pacing and rhythm

• Watch for dissociation, freezing, anxiety, anger (trauma responses)
• Know when to engage
• Timing is hard; outcomes are tough to predict

Watch for the vortex

• The trauma vortex is a metaphor for describing emotional states — intense, overwhelming, overpowering emotional states — that are beyond conscious control
• In these situations, the body just takes over
• Helping someone who has fallen into the trauma vortex typically requires a calm, attentive presence
• Physical safety and comfort are the priorities
• The body needs to feel safe enough to yield control back to the thinking mind

Act during the pause

• Sliding into the trauma vortex does not happen immediately; emotional activation builds over time
• Typically there is an observable moment when the activation shifts from being manageable to being overwhelming
• This moment almost always involves the slowing down of speech, then a pause of a few seconds
• Not all pauses in speech are trauma signals — but signals of the impending trauma vortex almost always include a pause
• If we engage with a person in distress at any time up to the pause, we can often help them avoid the trauma vortex

Beyond the pause

• The pause is the last moment at which talking alone can help to bring a person back to emotional safety
• Once that moment has passed, the nature of our assistance changes from conversation (in the space where the emotional activation is happening) to physical action (escorting a person to a safe space where they can rest and recover)

Guide by walking

• The discharge of emotional activation is often facilitated by the act of walking
• Whenever possible, ask a person to walk with you — especially if the walking leads toward a place of safety
• Sometimes, just walking around a contained space (such as a gallery) can work just as well

Trauma-informed language

Stay until safe

• When a person is emotionally activated, it takes some time for the body to cycle through the experience
• Typically, 5 to 15 minutes
• Whenever possible, stay with a person for at least this amount of time
• You don’t have to talk the whole time
• Often, just being with a person, in companionable silence, can be enough

Signals of safety

If the following signals are not present, back off or get help:

• Parasympathetic activation (eyes focused, breathing quieted, skin flushing resolved)
• Eye contact (highly dependent on cultural and social factors)
• Boundary setting through body language
• Settling, breathing, adjusting

Going for insight (or not)

• Probably not; insights work best when they emerge from the other person (not from you)
• Resist the temptation to be insightful
• Instead of seeking insight, seek clarity (insight tends to be about the past, whereas clarity is about what’s happening now)
• On the other hand, insight is the main driver of personal growth (via self-awareness), so insight is important — but it shouldn’t come from you

Practice

Section 2

• No questions
• No advice
• No interruptions

Minimize self-disclosure

• Your story is not their story; your solutions are not their solutions
• And yet, self-disclosure is very hard to resist; it has a curious power
• Sometimes self-disclosure can be useful (e.g. veterans) but usually it is not
• Self-disclosure makes the conversation about you
• You can’t put your disclosure back in the bag (and it can be used in ways you do not intend and/or do not like)

Answering queries about self-disclosure

• Option 1: Happy to talk about it later; let’s get you safe first
• Option 2: It’s complicated… (prepare an answer in advance, in the expectation that you will be asked)
• Option 3: I don’t talk about that in this setting

Culture, lifestyle, values

• Everyone has unique experiences; culture is not monolithic
• Observe yourself
• Watch for your activation
• Listen
• Practice grounding
• Breathe
• Choose when and how to respond (not from reactivity, ideally)

Advocacy

• Decide when to advocate or educate (not in the moment of crisis)
• Empathic responding can include educating the other
• Effective advocacy is grounded in empathy
• Rationality, argument, and education play minor roles
• Social justice themes carry a lot of emotional charge; the intensity of that charge typically needs to be processed before problem-solving discussions or advocacy can occur

Small moments

• Small moments of human interaction are what drive larger changes in cultures and societies (in dynamical systems theory)
• Small moments of connection are the foundations of emotional support
• Personal growth and change are best measured by small moments

Considerations for questions

• Does it deepen their process or yours?
• Questions should clarify and deepen the experience of the other person
• If you can get there without a question, do it
• If you ask questions, use a rough ratio of 5:1
• It’s sometimes OK to tell people where to look — but rarely is is helpful to tell them what to see (ecological dynamics)

Asking questions

Practice

Section 2

• Questions!
• No advice
• No interruptions

Belonging

The most important and foundational feeling

• You belong here
• I’m, glad you’re here
• This is your place
• This is our place

Trust and safe people

The pathway to change and growth

• I/we will help you
• How can I/we help you?
• What do you need?
• Here’s what I/we need; can we meet halfway?

Safe space

A reminder of commitment

• Explore and enjoy
• Ask, share, and hear
• Express yourself
• We express ourselves
• Find the limit (with help)

Empowerment

The signal of individuality

• How can we empower you?
• We will stand in
• Strong emotion is OK
• Boundaries make us all safe
• Empowerment is relationship