Resonance

• Developmental experiences tend to have the largest impact across the lifespan
  • Evolution/genetics, systems/norms, history/culture
• The legacies of these experiences are persistent but not deterministic (they resonate)
• Adult behaviours can often be tracked to developmental experiences
• Especially in moments of emotional intensity!

Intergenerational Resonance

• Trauma resonates across generations through families, communities, and cultures
• In Canada, this is inseparable from the legacies of colonization, residential schools, the Sixties Scoop, and ongoing systemic harms
• Indigenous peoples carry specific burdens that non-Indigenous practitioners must acknowledge and understand
• Healing is not only individual — it is collective and cultural

Developmental Resonances

A Hopeful Reminder

Change is always possible

The initial conditions of development do not determine behavioural outcomes.

Change the initial conditions ↗

Trauma Responses

Trauma Responses Lock

• Locking reactions position trauma in the ever-present now
• These responses represent a search for safety, exquisitely adapted by evolution — not pathologies or maladaptations
• Trauma responses are often ways of managing childhood adversity ↗
• Trauma models are incomplete ↗

Mental Health Adaptations

Adaptation

(and a gentle nudge against pathology)

• Mental health challenges are often extended and adapted versions of underlying trauma responses
• Similarly, trauma responses can be adapted and extended versions of developmental vulnerabilities
• These adaptive behaviors make sense in the context of a person’s life experiences
• They are attempts to heal — but are often thwarted by the complex systems that maintain them

Addictions

The Core Insight

• Addictions facilitate the continuance of mental health adaptations
• Mental health adaptations facilitate the locking and amplifying of trauma responses
• Trauma responses seek to protect against the legacies of developmental adversity
• Each layer makes sense in context — and each offers a pathway for change

Addictions Resources

• Elsewhere: addictions of escape ↗
• Solace: addictions of stillness ↗
• Departure: addictions of motion ↗
• Anger: addictions of defiance ↗
• Disguise: cannabis addictions ↗

Essential Experiences

How Do We Get There?

• Essential experiences build a foundation for healing from childhood adversity, resolve locked trauma responses, and redirect stuck mental health adaptations
• Mutual Connection (healthy relationship) is the only path to personal growth
• Empathy is the foundation of human community and evolutionary success (all humans share this capacity)
• Helping others achieve these experiences is the most effective means of deepening our own personal growth

Healing Pathways

Presence

• Bearing witness to suffering without turning away
• Remaining available without controlling outcomes — showing up consistently and reliably
• Creating space for vulnerability while maintaining non-reactive steadiness during crises
• Being tender-hearted without becoming depleted

Connection

• Authentic relationships over techniques or models — sustained attention and genuine care
• Empathy and compassion as foundations (that are not inexhaustible!)
• Attunement to a person’s unique needs and pace — reliable responsiveness that teaches reaching out works
• Belonging within supportive community structures

Containment

• Therapeutic relationship sturdy enough for intensity — holding space for descent without abandoning
• Consistent boundaries that create predictable safety
• Clear limits while maintaining warmth and connection — structure that supports without controlling
• Safety sufficient for risk and growth

Capacity

• Nervous system learning through direct experience — movement and embodied practices for reorganization
• Building regulatory skills incrementally and patiently
• Developing tolerance for emotional intensity gradually — creating small wins that accumulate over time
• Discovering that resources exceed previous estimates

Healthy Directions

Research

BMJ 2024;384:e075847

Running won’t cure your depression.

Or yoga, climbing, gardening, quilting, or anything that is just one thing.

• Trauma Responses and the Power of Movement ↗
• The Shadow Side of Physical Activity in Recovery ↗
• Movement, Mental Health, and the Nervous System’s Need for Real Challenge ↗
• Healing requires integration — movement is one pathway among many

Self-care is not enough

• Mental health is constructed socially
• Ecological dynamics ↗ matter (a lot)
• Individual strategies cannot overcome systemic and relational challenges
• Healing happens in community — not in isolation

Call and Response

Develop Awareness of Feelings

• Feelings/emotions are automatic
• They are aspects of our evolutionary development and are deeper than the thinking mind
• Feelings are sensations and can only be controlled to some degree
• Feelings exist whether we acknowledge them or not

Feelings Are Not Thoughts

• Feelings are sometimes irrational
• Rationality cannot control feelings
• Everyone has multiple feelings at the same time
• Feelings control human behavior

Feelings Are Complex

• The deep influence of family, peers, gender, culture, and other factors results in many feelings being unconscious or subliminal
• Everyone is different, and there is no standard way to define or describe feelings
• Models of psychology (and neurology) are always limited and do not describe what is really going on with feelings (or anything else)
• Complexity is not a problem to solve — it is the nature of emotional life

Feelings Arise from the Layers of Experience

• Resonance is the context (learned behaviors and adverse experiences in childhood and adolescence)
• Trauma is the crucible (locked responses to unresolved challenging and threatening situations)
• Mental illness is the adaptation (coping and symptom management in response to the above two items)
• Addiction is the fuel (ongoing symptom management in the absence of pathways of healing)

When Feelings Require Attention

• Absence or unawareness of feelings
• Persistent or cyclic uncomfortable feelings
• Situational feelings that are hard to control
• Feelings that embody long-standing harm or loss

Difficult Feelings

Resolve What You Can

Your ability to assist someone else who is in emotional distress mostly depends on how well you understand your own emotional challenges and can manage your own reactivity.

Resolving difficult feelings does not mean that they go away. It means that your relationship with them shifts from being adversarial to companionable.

To Assist Others, Start with Yourself

Becoming aware of our own reactivity, managing it, understanding where it comes from, what it means, and what to do about it — these are all aspects of self-awareness, which is a lifelong odyssey for everyone.

Common Challenges

• Lack of awareness of the importance of feelings
• Denial or rejection of feelings due to judgements and listener discomfort
• Reactivity due to resonance with the life story of the listener
• Discomfort with messiness and the normal turbulence of feelings

Avoid Common Pitfalls

• Distraction, rushing, inattentiveness, impatience, speediness
• Giving advice (the most common and most challenging hurdle of all, for most people)
• Providing solutions (similar to above)
• Convincing (making an argument)

Be Aware of Biases

(hard!)

• Childhood and family norms and behaviours
• Cultural norms that are often invisible and unacknowledged
• Judgements due to values and life context (these are normal but must be set aside)
• Biases are inevitable — awareness and management are the goals, not elimination

Practice Presence and Authenticity

Most people become emotionally distressed when there is a contrast between what someone says and what they do. In situations where emotions might already be amplified, consistency between words, body language, and actions is crucial.

Presence is an active skill.

Seek Neutrality

• People are generally very skilled at sensing others who listen well and who are genuinely respectful and non-judgemental
• These are deep skills that require ongoing practice, especially when others do not share our values or perspectives
• The best listeners are able to suspend their own biases and judgements, which first requires awareness of biases and judgements (which is consistently difficult for everyone)
• Neutrality is a practice, not a destination — it must be renewed in each conversation

Practice Grounding

• Practices that cultivate body awareness are good for us in a variety of ways but especially in situations of heightened emotion with others
• Simply bringing attention to our various sensations is an excellent way of becoming more emotionally aware (since emotions are sensations)
• The best way to practice grounding is the way that works for you: walking, working in the garden, singing, playing a musical instrument, doing yoga, running, climbing
• A grounded listener creates space for others to settle

Be Open and Available

• Body language is the main way that we indicate our openness to others
• We are acutely sensitive to the small signals that others send to us about their availability for conversation or assistance
• When we practice presence, grounding, authenticity, and non-judgement, we tend to signal that we are open, approachable, positive, and safe
• Openness is felt before it is seen — it begins with inner stillness

Breathe with Awareness

• One of the simplest and most powerful body awareness practices involves becoming aware of breathing: the rise and fall of the breath
• Bringing attention to breathing often slows it down, which tends to promote relaxation, grounding, and presence
• Your breath regulates theirs — a calm presence is contagious
• When in doubt, return to the breath

Breath Practices

(caution)

Bringing attention to breathing can activate strong emotions in people who are struggling with unresolved emotional challenges. This happens because bringing attention to breathing also brings awareness of the body, and the body is where our unresolved emotions reside.

The same is true of mindfulness practices in general.

Know When to Get Help

• Emotional situations can sometimes become unmanageable by one person — but it can be tough to notice the point at which taking action would prevent this from happening
• Often that moment is earlier than we expect and requires assistance from others
• Learning to watch for this moment is a matter of practice (and, usually, learning by trial and error)
• Generally it’s best to get help before you think you need it — before you become emotionally activated by interacting with someone who is themselves activated

Key Considerations

• Genuineness and authenticity: being myself, here, right now
• Respect: we are different, and we can try to understand one another
• Mutual connection and safety: connected to others without doing harm
• Doing all of the above, at the same time, is a good foundation for effective listening

How to Think About Empathy

• Sympathy, empathy, compassion, and the self — each is distinct
• Empathy is boundaried, cognitively challenging, and can lead to fatigue
• Empathy plays a foundational role in human evolution — individual practice promotes community empathy
• During a time of reflexive judgement and polarization, empathy is more necessary than ever

Empathy Is a Skill

• Being seen and heard, without judgment
• Reciprocity: feel and reflect
• Noticing (not changing) feelings
• Cultivating belonging, trust, and safety

Empathy Enables the Clear Channel

• A foundation of mutual connection
• Getting yourself (judgements, advice, solutions) out of the way
• Safe containment for locked responses
• Empathy is active

Listening and Advocacy

There is a potential harm incurred (to you, and to others) if you never speak up to advocate.

However, in situations of emotional distress, a listener who immediately pivots to advocacy can cause harm by removing or minimizing emotional processing (which is foundational to healing).

In most situations, it’s best to lead with empathy. Solutions and strategies come later.

Barriers to Empathy

• Distraction, rushing, or activation of the listener
• Judgements (must be set aside) and non-neutrality
• Advice and solutions from the listener
• Questions from the listener

Practice and Remember

• Set your own issues aside
• Suspend your judgements
• Stay neutral
• Your own activation determines the outcome

Non-verbal Communication

• Grounding (presence)
• Centering (non-judgement)
• Openness (safety)
• Boundaries (ethical dimensions: roles, confidentiality, etc.)

Know When to Engage

• Strong emotion is normal and often healthy — but can also signal distress and trauma
• A person who can express strong emotions but also bring themselves back to emotional safety and calm is typically safe and does not need help
• A person who is unable to contain or manage emotional activation needs immediate help
• Knowing the difference requires much practice and self-awareness

Engaging in Conversation

Authentic and empathetic conversation works best when we are able to be ourselves, use our own forms of language and speech, and feel comfortable with what we are saying.

This does not mean that you should say anything you want. Rather, it means that whatever words you know, whatever styles of speech you use, have within them the possibility to be used in helpful and empathetic ways.

Scaffolding

• Prompts provide conversational structure
• Prompts have no definitive forms or styles and can be as varied as any types of speech
• The function of a prompt is to open a space to focus on feelings
• The best prompts are simple, open, and without agenda

Self-awareness and Conversation

• When we begin by noticing ourselves and our own emotional activation, we also become more capable of noticing the emotions of others
• We should not try to label or assess the emotions of others; instead, we can simply acknowledge that others are having emotional reactions
• Naming our own experience first creates space for others to name theirs
• Acknowledgement without assessment is the foundation of empathic response

I notice…

• Saying something like I notice you are having a reaction is a simple and reasonable starting point for a conversation about emotions
• Remember to use your own words
• If others use their own words to define those emotions — I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m bewildered — affirm those feelings
• Noticing without interpreting keeps the focus on them, not you

Just checking in…

• A simple and non-intrusive way of signaling that help is available
• An open, friendly, non-judgmental statement that is very popular among counsellors and others who provide emotional help as the core of their professional work
• Does not presume distress or require an explanation
• Creates an opening without obligation

Flow

• Combining I’m just checking in with I notice you are having a reaction is a good template for engaging with a person who is emotionally activated
• It is not only — or even primarily — the words themselves that might be effective here, but rather the way in which they are delivered, and the timing of their delivery
• Pause, breathe, and sense the moment before speaking
• Timing and tone matter more than perfect wording

Do you need help?

• The focus of help should be on the person who might (or might not) need some emotionally-focused assistance or empathy
• Try not to emphasize your own feelings or reactions
• The other person might ask about your feelings or reactions, but they are not relevant until that happens — and even then, they should not form the basis of the conversation
• Keeping the focus on the other person is a deep skill that requires much practice

Possibilities of Wording

• Just checking in… / Thought I would check in…
• I notice… / It looks like…
• It sounds like… / It seems like…
• I’m curious…

Affirming Feelings

• Try to affirm and name the feelings of the other person
• Listen for the words they use to describe their feelings
• Use the same feeling words in your reply, or use similar words that convey the same feeling
• Try not to impose your own feelings or perspectives

Skill Development

• The larger set of counselling skills is embedded in this one skill of responding to feelings without trying to direct them
• Simple responses work: Yes, I can see that you are angry or Help me understand what you’re feeling
• Skilled listeners use body language, minimal encouragers (hm, um, yeah, OK), and careful timing — words matter less than delivery
• Build your skill ↗

What Not to Say

Self-awareness Challenges

• We get activated by something in the layers of our personal history
• Activation is often unconscious and involves dynamics between the layers
• When activated, we are driven by unconscious and defensive behaviors (this is where we get into trouble)
• Recognizing activation in the moment is the first step toward choice

Awareness of Activation

• Making our own activation conscious is the path to awareness and healing
• One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious — Jung
• This is the path that we find in myth and storytelling
• The work is not to eliminate activation but to witness it

Observe Yourself

• Your ability to be continually aware of your own emotional activation is the most important factor in determining the outcomes of emotional conversations with others
• The skill of turning your attention inward — how am I feeling, what am I thinking, what’s happening for me — requires much practice and consistent attention
• Self-observation is not self-criticism — it is curiosity without judgement
• The clearer you see yourself, the clearer you can see others

Watch for Your Activation

• We all get activated emotionally, by many different things, and sometimes in unexpected ways
• We tend to feel that our activation happens because of what others do
• The reality is that our activation happens entirely inside of us — and is our responsibility to notice and address
• Your activation is yours — no one else can give it to you or take it away

Get Yourself Out of the Way

• The most effective listeners and helpers take responsibility for their own emotions and try to keep them out of the way (or bring them forward appropriately) in conversations with others
• With practice, you can suspend your own activation and judgement and deal with it at a later time
• This does not mean suppression — it means choosing when and how to engage your own material
• Clear the channel first, process later

Risks of Harm

• When we become emotionally activated beyond our ability to manage or contain, we run the risk of harming others — even when we are trying to help them
• We also harm ourselves when we do not deal with strong emotions in our lives
• Finding pathways to address and resolve the challenges of our emotional life is one of the most important things we can do
• Unexamined reactivity is the source of most relational harm

Ask Yourself:

• What do I carry?
• What do I embody?
• What do I follow?
• What do I need?

Work on it.

And keep working on it.

Pacing and Rhythm

• Watch for dissociation, freezing, anxiety, anger (trauma responses)
• Know when to engage
• Timing is hard; outcomes are tough to predict
• Follow their rhythm, not yours — let them lead the pace

Watch for the Vortex

• The trauma vortex is a metaphor for describing emotional states — intense, overwhelming, overpowering — that are beyond conscious control
• In these situations, the body just takes over — helping requires a calm, attentive presence
• Physical safety and comfort are the priorities
• The body needs to feel safe enough to yield control back to the thinking mind

Act During the Pause

• Sliding into the trauma vortex does not happen immediately; emotional activation builds over time
• Typically there is an observable moment when the activation shifts — this almost always involves slowing speech, then a pause
• Not all pauses in speech are trauma signals — but signals of the impending trauma vortex almost always include a pause
• If we engage at any time up to the pause, we can often help them avoid the vortex

Beyond the Pause

• The pause is the last moment at which talking alone can help to bring a person back to emotional safety
• Once that moment has passed, the nature of our assistance changes from conversation to physical action (escorting a person to a safe space)
• The window after the pause is brief — use it with care
• Integration happens when the nervous system settles

Guide by Walking

• The discharge of emotional activation is often facilitated by the act of walking
• Whenever possible, ask a person to walk with you — especially if the walking leads toward a place of safety
• Sometimes, just walking around a contained space can work just as well
• Movement creates space for both parties to regulate

Trauma-informed Language

Stay Until Safe

• When a person is emotionally activated, it takes some time for the body to cycle through — typically 5 to 15 minutes
• Whenever possible, stay with a person for at least this amount of time
• You don’t have to talk the whole time — just being with a person, in companionable silence, can be enough
• Stay present, grounded, attentive, positive and open (all at the same time!)

The Activation Cycle

Signals of Safety

If the following signals are not present, back off or get help:

• Body settling (eyes focused, breathing quieted, skin flushing resolved)
• Eye contact (highly dependent on cultural and social factors)
• Boundary setting through body language
• Settling, breathing, adjusting

Going for Insight (or not)

• Probably not; insights work best when they emerge from the other person (not from you)
• Resist the temptation to be insightful
• Instead of seeking insight, seek clarity (insight tends to be about the past, whereas clarity is about what’s happening now)
• On the other hand, insight is the main driver of personal growth (via self-awareness), so insight is important — but it shouldn’t come from you

Minimize Self-disclosure

• Your story is not their story; your solutions are not their solutions
• Self-disclosure is hard to resist — but it makes the conversation about you
• Sometimes self-disclosure can be useful (e.g. veterans) but usually it is not
• You can’t put your disclosure back in the bag

Answering Queries About Self-disclosure

• Option 1: Happy to talk about it later; let’s get you safe first
• Option 2: It’s complicated… (prepare an answer in advance, in the expectation that you will be asked)
• Option 3: I don’t talk about that in this setting
• All options redirect focus back to them

Culture, Lifestyle, Values

• Everyone has unique experiences; culture is not monolithic
• Observe yourself and watch for your activation
• Listen, practice grounding, and breathe
• Choose when and how to respond — not from reactivity

Advocacy

• Decide when to advocate or educate (not in the moment of crisis)
• Effective advocacy is grounded in empathy — rationality, argument, and education play minor roles
• Social justice themes carry a lot of emotional charge that needs to be processed before advocacy
• Lead with empathy, follow with action

Small Moments

• Small moments of human interaction are what drive larger changes in cultures and societies (in dynamical systems theory)
• Small moments of connection are the foundations of emotional support
• Personal growth and change are best measured by small moments
• Every interaction is an opportunity — even the brief ones

Considerations for Questions

• Does it deepen their process or yours? Questions should clarify and deepen the experience of the other person
• If you can get there without a question, do it
• If you ask questions, use a rough ratio of 5:1 (reflections to questions)
• It’s OK to tell people where to look — but rarely helpful to tell them what to see

Asking Questions

Belonging

The most important and foundational feeling

• You belong here
• I’m glad you’re here
• This is your place
• This is our place

Trust and Safe People

The pathway to change and growth

• I/we will help you
• How can I/we help you?
• What do you need?
• Here’s what I/we need; can we meet halfway?

Safe Space

A reminder of commitment

• Explore and enjoy
• Ask, share, and hear
• Express yourself — we express ourselves
• Find the limit (with help)

Empowerment

The signal of individuality

• How can we empower you?
• We will stand in — strong emotion is OK
• Boundaries make us all safe
• Empowerment is relationship

Small Groups

25-35 minutes

• Observer, listener, sharer: 5 minutes each (observer keeps time)
• Memory or moment: small but interesting, with feelings
• Focus on feelings, not stories or explanations
• The goal is practice, not perfection

Rules

• No questions from the listener
• No advice from the listener
• No interruptions — the observer remains silent and stops the conversation at 5 minutes
• The sharer must allow time for the listener to respond (ideally, about once per minute)

The Sharer Speaks

5 minutes

Try to sense feelings in the body, as sensations.

Remember to give time for the listener to respond.

Pause, sense the feelings, take a breath, then…

• I feel…
• It’s like…
• I have the sense that…
• Stay with the feeling — let it unfold

The Listener Responds

Pause, sense the feelings, take a breath, then:

• It sounds like… / It seems like…
• I notice… / I get the sense that…
• I’m curious… / If I understand you correctly, you are feeling…
• So, it’s like you feel… (use a metaphor)

Tips for the Listener

• Try to feel the feelings of the other person in your own body
• Don’t worry about getting the feeling wrong or sounding formulaic
• Repeat the feeling words you hear from the sharer or use other feeling words
• Keep your responses short (no more than two sentences) — aim for three to five responses

On Feedback from Experts

When learning a new skill, most people want direct instruction about what to do (or say). However, a large body of research shows that new skills are learned faster and more effectively when learners are encouraged to explore and experiment in their own unique ways.

In this training, discomfort and uncertainty are normal. They are good signals about your engagement. Instead of looking for the right way to respond, search for responses that deepen your connection with the listener.

Discussion

5 minutes

No suggestions, no advice. Positive feedback only: what went well.

• How did the sharer feel?
• How did the listener feel?
• What did the observer notice?
• What worked well?

Switch Roles and Go Again

5 minutes

• Sharer becomes observer (timekeeper)
• Listener becomes sharer
• Observer becomes listener
• Repeat until everyone has played each role